i just told my mom i died at birth and i’ve been a ghost this entire time just growing and manifesting into the daughter she’d lost
and she’s just like
well please go to the light because i am tired of your shit
isn’t it weird how with some people you never run out of things to talk about but with others it’s like you always end up talking about the weather
I went to an Arab-American comedy night and there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football.
"I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see somebody else’s god?"
This is what jokes about religion are supposed to look like.
Yes mother I have slept for thirteen hours straight but Jesus slept for three days straight and started a religion so I don’t wanna hear it